I'm a Christian

I'm a Christian-or so I've been told. 

In 1997, I believed that Christianity was a trick to fool people into being accountable to an invisible-all seeing authority and a good idea for enforcing good manners and proper behaviour in society. I applauded the person who came up with this well intentioned lie. While I can't say that everything I did was bad, I did not do anything "Christian", save for the occasional church visit, which was a hangover from my upbringing. However, I later traded in my "realism" and decided to believe that God actually existed and played a big part in our lives. I still believe that today. 

While I don't have too many questions about God's place and effect on Christianity (I believe he knows what he is doing better than we do), and I am very happy that I decided "to follow Him" (though at times, I'm not too sure what that means), I still don't know what it is that makes me a Christian.

Was it because I was born into a Christian family and I go to Church? I didn't have a say in this, but could this "fluke of fate" determine my faith? Since my parents were Christians and made us go to church as kids, do I have to do anything else-or should I just consider my work done? In any case, a roll call of my church will show that I don't have a perfect attendance record so on this standard, I can't claim to pass.

Some say that I am a Christian because I was baptised as a Child. Again, I didn't really have a say over this since this decision was taken by my parents-I was just happy to get new clothes and have a baptism party thrown for me. This begs the question-is baptism enough? Don't we have to do more?

Maybe I'm a Christian because I said a prayer asking God to come into my life. However, I have said this prayer so many times and then broken so many promises that I made to Him that I often wonder whether our Holy God still believes me and can actually still be in my filthy heart.

I could be a Christian because I do not drink or smoke. I know a number of people that don't drink or smoke, but are not Christians and I find it hard to imagine that a person's faith can come down to what he or she consumes, as opposed to what the person does.

Is it because I don't cheat on my wife and I try to be truthful and generous? If we are to look at Jesus' definition of faithfulness which includes not having impure thoughts, I must confess that I'm failing miserably in the fidelity stakes. As if that isn't enough, I feel like I'm not as truthful or generous now as I was before I got saved, and I don't think I was very truthful or generous then.

I'm not saying that I'm a bad person (though I don't think I'm qualified to judge that)-and I think I have my good days. However, Isaiah 64:6 clearly states that all my righteousness is as filty rags. Nothing I do on my wn can make me a Christian. This is frustrating, because after all those questions I still don't know what to do to "earn" my Christianity.

The most convincing idea I've heard is that I am a Christian because God forgave (and still forgives) me-or at least I hope He did. This is a more comforting concept because while I am failing miserably, God is infallible, and I would trust him more with my Christianity than I trust myself. Clearly, the greatest weapon in my Christian arsenal is faith/hope-and not righteousness, which I can't attain on my own. 

For this reason, I have every reason to be humble in my Christianity and not think of myself as being better than the next person. Nothing I do can make me holy-but even if I fail miserably, I will keep trying because that is all God expects of me. My Christianity thereore requires me to be more compassionate and understanding and tolerant because I have received the same treatment from God. If I view others who are not "acting" Christian, I expose myself to judgment on the Christian merit standard, and I already know that I am severely wanting.

To all my friends, if I have acted like my being a Christian makes me better than you-I apologize. I'm really doing badly anyway so I don't have the moral authority to judge you. To my Chrstian friends, there is no difference between the things you do and the "unbeliever" you keep criticizing. We still have alot of work to do on our own walk with God on earth, so let's not act like we're already in heaven. I should be known not for my superficial "righteousness" or "piety" (whatever that is) but for my charity (which is the real Christianity) by everyone I interact with. That way, we can finally be relevant in our society and not merely be seen as "that iritating Mulokole!"

To those that don't agree with what I just wrote, thank you for reading this far. I clearly don't have all the answers (I probably am just rambling anyway) and I'm sure I'll benefit from your constructive feedback. However, one thing I am sure of, is that I will not allow "Christian pride", or my feeble attempts at goodness to validate or justify me-I am better off standing on my God's credentials than mine.